When we want to excel at tennis we go to an expert, and expect to work hard and practice. When we want to develop life skills, we may not have such straightforward methods available. In fact, we may not even be aware that life skills are learnable, believing instead that the toolkit we are given by our parents should suffice for the rest of our lives. But when we look more carefully, we discover that many life skills can be improved through study, expert input and practice. Through counseling, self-help books and tapes, and workshops we can improve our ability to succeed at every-day challenges. For example, we can use our skills to increase harmony with others, increase our ability to cope, and improve our mood. Here are some of the things that we can learn.
Self talk
Most of us don't pay much attention to the continual stream of thinking
inside our own mind, but whether we're aware of it or not, the things
we say to ourselves influence the way we feel. For example, we may habitually
think to ourselves that everything is gloomy and then wonder why we feel
down. By learning about our own internal voice, we can begin to improve
the things we say to ourselves. By reducing inflammatory thoughts that
push our own hot buttons, encouraging ourselves instead of putting ourselves
down, replacing pessimistic observations with optimistic ones, and introducing
other positive self-talk habits, we can improve our mood.
Child within
When we're angry or needy, we find ourselves regressing to childish behavior.
If we step back and carefully watch ourselves during these episodes, we
begin to realize that powerful childish feelings lie under the surface,
and when these feelings burst into awareness we become unglued. It's as
if there are parts of us that never grew up. To heal these disruptive
parts of ourselves, we need to learn about their roots. While we can't
turn the clock back and change our childhood, we can work through our
issues by processing our intimate memories. When we were helpless and
starting to put together our sense of who we are and how we fit into the
world, there were imperfections in our training. For many reasons, we
may not have received the most warm, generous, orderly, or safe upbringing.
By going back to the source, we are able to understand more about what
makes us tick today. With our adult wisdom we extend compassion and support
to our child-within, and allow ourselves to forgive the faults of the
past and let it go. As we focus our insight and heal these shadowy places,
we become the empowered adults we want to be.
Stress management and self-soothing
We all have methods for soothing ourselves, but the methods we use may
not always be adequate to the challenges we face. If we can't adequately
soothe ourselves, we're stuck with hurt feelings that eat away at us unchecked.
As we try to stop out-of-control agitation we may turn to drugs and alcohol,
overeating, or other unconstructive strategies for survival. Another way
we try to protect ourselves against overwhelming feelings is to avoid
situations that may over-stimulate us. The problem is that we may be avoiding
valuable activities, such as meeting people, flying on a plane, confronting
a child with a difficult discussion or advancing in our career. To feel
better and cope more effectively, we can improve the ways we soothe our
feelings. Adults can learn many new methods to supplement the ones we
learned growing up. We can also pass these on to our kids. Some of the
methods that can bring us peace and poise without negative side effects
include learning to: breathe deeply, deeply relax muscles, meditate, develop
encouraging and soothing self talk and visualize safety and peace.
Communication skills
Why do some conversations end up in arguments while others sail smoothly
to a happy conclusion? We may feel that the way other people respond to
us is out of our control, but if we look more closely we can find that
the things that we say and do contribute significantly to the outcome
of every conversation. If we are unhappy with the way people respond to
us, we can learn ways to improve our communication. For example, most
arguments involve one or both people feeling that the other person didn't
fully listen to their point of view. Using a simple technique of summarizing
what we thought we heard, we can assure the other person we're on the
same page. We can also learn to choose words that are less inflammatory,
and more conducive to trust. As trust increases, defensiveness goes down,
and the quality of the communication dramatically improves.
Decision making
Life is made up of a series of choices. Choices are "good" when
they line up with our desired outcome, getting us what we want both in
the short and long term. And good choices make us feel good about ourselves,
and allow us to become the person we want to be. It's not that hard to
look back years later and decide which choices are good, but how do we
know while we're making them? If we want to be sure our choices are taking
us where we want to go, we need to pick apart our decision-making process.
Intuition and "gut feelings" play a role in most choices. But
choices can go wrong when they're impulsively based on immediate reward
or releasing tension without considering long-term consequences for us
or for others. And often, our "gut feelings" seem so natural
because they are based on old habits that we've never stopped to think
through. To get the most out of life, we need to slow down and explore
our own decision making process, being sure to weed out old habits that
take us in the wrong direction, and to include clear thinking that takes
into account short and long term consequences for ourselves and for others.
Negotiating/assertiveness/conflict resolution
Often we find ourselves stuck in situations that aren't giving us what
we want. Instead of moving closer to a solution, we find ourselves mired
in unproductive emotions, feeling helpless, victimized or depressed. These
feelings muddy our thinking, and provoke either an overly aggressive or
overly passive response that gets us even deeper into the frustrating
situation. To help us get what we want, we can learn the social skills
of assertiveness and negotiation. First, we need to take our own needs
seriously, and communicate them effectively. Then by calmly accepting
that the other person also has needs we focus our attention on the process
of give and take. Putting aside our instinctive defensiveness, we look
at the other person as a collaborator. The outcome of a successful negotiation
should draw the two parties together, giving them each what they want,
and seeing each other as partners in achieving mutual success.
Parenting
Raising a child is a vastly important and complex task. Yet most of our
training comes "on the job" as we learn about our children from
watching our parents, talking to friends or by trial and error. We have
little input from experts to help us improve the results of our efforts
or to handle special challenges. If our child is misbehaving, or not meeting
our expectation, we may become frustrated and wish for change without
any clear plan. Our child is just starting out in life, and has few tools
at his disposal to change his own patterns, while we, as adults, have
the opportunity to seek better strategies. Through parent-training, there
is so much that we can learn about how to prepare kids to be the best
they can be. Even if our child is behaving correctly, we need to remember
this is a lifelong project. The more wisdom we apply towards our kids
now, the healthier our family will remain, giving each other an active
support network through the years of our lives.
Anger management
Anger disrupts relationships, and can ruin an hour, or a day, a job or
a relationship. Yet, even as we begin to understand the damaging effects
of anger, we seem to slide towards it again and again. We may minimize
our own responsibility routinely blaming the other person for our anger.
However, no matter how innocent we are, our own anger is ours, not the
other person's. Once we take responsibility for our own state of mind,
and seek to relieve these unwanted feelings, we begin to see the habits
and expectations that set the stage for anger. We learn alternate behaviors
and attitudes that will cool down impulse and aggression, converting the
situation into an opportunity for problem solving and intimacy. Managing
anger is a learned skill. Learning how to calm our feelings, reduce arguments,
and put the brakes on flare-ups can help us improve the quality of life
at work and at home.
Effective time management
When we are always pressured to do the things we must, and we continuously
put off doing the things we want, we start to feel as though life is passing
us by. Instead of giving in to this syndrome, we can fight back by learning
to use time more effectively. No matter how busy we are, we can always
benefit from a clear understanding of how we are using our time, and how
we want to be using it. By getting in touch with the flow of our lives,
we can have the best chance of directing our energy towards the goals
that will make us feel good about ourselves.
Goal/Meaning/Mission
Events march on, year after year, and we respond, engaging in our lives
to the best of our ability. But we may not be sure where it's all headed.
Without a long-term goal, our choices and actions are weighted towards
short-term pay offs, and may not add up to the overall direction we would
have chosen had we consciously considered where we were going. Through
a soul-searching process, we can consciously define what we want to achieve
and who we want to become. When we have a mission, we can apply ourselves
to our accomplishments with more persistent, consistent energy. Our mission
will help us find our way through the many detours and obstacles of life.
Beliefs
When we get up in the morning, what sort of universe are we entering?
Is it a safe universe, run by a compassionate supportive higher power?
Or is it a cold forbidding universe, run by a harsh or distant higher
power, or none at all? Do we trust that life has a larger purpose, or
do we cynically suspect that it's all for nothing? Will death drop us
off into empty nothingness, or is our soul immortal? If it's immortal,
do we fear what we might face, or embrace it? Do risks threaten us with
failure and humiliation or do risks bring us closer to success? These
beliefs about the world and our place in it provide a backdrop that inform
our decisions, our goals, and even our feelings. By getting more in touch
with the power our beliefs have in our every day life, we realize the
importance of bringing our beliefs into harmony with the person we want
to become.
Last modified:
4/8/02
Copyright Jerry Waxler, 2004, All Rights Reserved